borderline.bunny

becoming a real boy

July 9, 2008 at 2:59 pm (recovery)

For those of you coming from the bunnyBlog, this is already posted there.

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One of the hardest things for people to understand about me – and possibly Borderline Personality Disorder – is this feeling of not being quite real. One of the documented characteristics of BPD is having no sense of identity. That description hardly conveys what it feels like to not know yourself – to not know if what you are feeling is real, is right, is wrong, is because of this, or is because of that.

When you don’t know who you are, its very difficult to guage what you think is the right thing to do or feel. My identity, for lack of anything else, was being crazy and unstable. What that meant was that everytime I felt something, I would overanalyze it to death. I would try to figure out why I felt this way, how it related to my past. I wouldn’t know if it was the “right” thing to feel, or how “normal” people felt. Beyond being so easily triggered, my reactions were intense and extreme. As a result, I always felt that my emotions were inappropriate for any situation.

I felt like Pinnochio – a 2 dimensional character that walked and talked like everyone else, but just wasn’t quite real. Because I doubted my own feelings, I tried to outwardly react the way I thought I “should”. I had an extremely difficult time expressing to people my real emotions. It was a lot easier to be defensive, angry, or strong than it was to admit vulnerability over something that I thought people would think were stupid. I never felt like I was representing who I really was. I never felt like I got the support and soothing I needed for my real pain, because I could not tell people what my real pain was.

I was a character, playing her part, but really – needing other people to pull the marionette strings to determine her direction, identity, thoughts and responses. My anchor – the marionette cross, so to speak – was usually determined by people that mattered to me: my boyfriends or some guy I liked, mostly, but also friends that I wanted to impress, managers that I wanted to respect me, even my therapist, to a certain degree.

But then what would happen was that my real emotions – being as intense and as strong as they were – would explode out in rebellion of the constraints of the “shoulds”. The explosion would cause a mess that I would need to clean up, which of course further reinforced my belief that my real emotions were wrong. Not only did this create constant fear and anxiety in my life, it also gave people the impression that I changed my mind frequently, made violently strong but contradictory decisions, and that they could not predict how I would react next. In essence, instability.

In the last 4 – 6 weeks, though, my quest has come full circle. I finally feel like a real, 3 dimensional person, and I did that by no longer resisting who I am and how I feel. Maybe its a little bit of emotional hemorrhaging right now, but the more I acknowledge and validate how I feel, the more I feel like I know who I am. One of the most amazing things I have realized is that I’m really NOT that screwed up or different from everyone else. Everyone has their issues, and in some cases, I am actually better at handling mine.

I can see other people’s points of views and understand why they do the things they do, but still believe that its ok to feel whatever I feel about it. I can understand logically why, and acknowledge that I am having a reaction to it. I can do something good, and realize that it may not necessarily make me happy. I’m not beating myself up for feeling human emotions anymore.

Why do I bring this up now? Well, because I am finally – finally – processing and accepting the breakup. Its 9 months too late, and I feel sort of stupid about it, but the truth is, 9 months ago, I was grappling with what it meant to have BPD, and if there was ever a way I could have a fulfilling life. Everything about that breakup, my reaction to it, my actions, the way I relate – all of those things took on a bigger and more significant meaning than what it really was. I spent so much effort trying to understand the why and the how, that I never let myself feel the grief. I pushed J to explain every single thing to me, because that was the only way I thought I could deal with it, and when he didn’t have an answer, I felt like he didn’t care or assumed the worst. I couldn’t fathom that he was another person going through his own period of pain. I couldn’t forgive myself for making mistakes and feeling my insecurities; the only thing I could focus on doing was fixing it.

All those things, of course, were not exclusive to my relationship and breakup with J, but it certainly was highlighted there. Which is why, when I came back from PA in early June, I really shoved back hard at my friends for trying to help me deal with the end of the relationship. It wasn’t that I felt you guys were wrong, it was just that I really needed to feel whatever it was I felt, ridiculous or not. And I need you guys – all of you guys – my friends, my family – to recognize that its ok for me to feel it. Its not that I didn’t appreciate your help, its that I needed to establish that I could do it on my own. So I went overboard, and I’m sorry for that.

And now, I am going through all the stages of a breakup – all the ones that would be completely logical if I had done this 9 months ago. So bear with me. Its been a long journey, and I haven’t completely felt the fruits of my labor yet. I’m not completely confident that my life is for the better, that I can be for the better.

I am still struggling just to let things be the way they are, instead of always trying to fix it. For someone whose entire childhood was spent being blown off, its very hard for me not to associate not wanting to deal with it or talk about it with not caring about me or the consequences. Now that I’m in my own stage of anger, I get it. I don’t want to be reminded of what happened, of how angry I am, and how ashamed I am of my own behavior. I just want to put it aside and try to move on, its so painful to think about it. But remember folks – I am basically trying to relearn every reaction, every behavior that I have built my survival on. Sometimes, my body just violently objects. I haven’t quite got the hang of it yet.

And you know what?  I’m going to make a hell of a lot of mistakes.  I don’t know what I’m doing, I can only try and see if it works.  I’m not going to pretend I know better anymore, and I’m not going to waste my life trying to figure out the right way to live.  I’ll apologize in advance if I offend or hurt anyone in my efforts – but just know that it is not done out of malice, but ignorance.  I am fumbling around this thing called adulthood, like everyone else out there.

So… I am finally a real boy. I am finally a person with love and happiness and compassion in her heart, as well as pain and frustration and insecurities. I don’t need to be tethered to anything in order to figure out my direction, I can find it inside.