things are coming together
Its been a while since I’ve posted here, especially considering the volume of writing I was doing before. This is both good and bad – good, because it means that I’ve been busy / productive / distracted enough that I’m not sitting in front of a computer musing all day, and bad, because writing really does help me sort through things.
A lot of things have happened over the last 3 weeks. I finally got a job (at Adobe – yay!), after practically non-stop interviewing. I swear, I felt like my brain was dripping out of my nose, and I was starting to repeat myself at least 2 or 3 times each day. Pumpkin *finally* came out of heat, which is wonderful, because I didn’t realize how alienated I was from her during that time. We were both going through some not-so-fun stuff, and it wasn’t until she was back to her sweet, cuddly self that I realized how much I missed her.
I’ve been religiously going to therapy 2x a week, and have made some major breakthroughs. I won’t go into them now, because its late, and I really want to write thoughtfully about them. I guess the bottom line there is that, by accepting myself for who I was and appreciating what I am, I’ve ironically managed to change and become the person I wanted to be. I thought that it was going to be a long time before I started to feel a difference, but wow – my entire perspective on life and love has completely shifted. I’ve found peace, and I’ve found balance, and I’ve recently decided that I’m a pretty awesome person 
On the social front, I’ve made some tremendous progress. After fighting with my friends for the first two weeks, I both made up with them, but also became extremely clear on where my boundaries were and what I needed from them. Its finally struck me that I really have some amazing friends – ones who love you and stand by you, no matter what, and really accept you for who you are. I think partially this has to do with me actually being honest about the way I feel – I no longer feel like a fake around people. And, amazingly enough, the loneliness is starting to dissipate.
Additionally, I have started strengthening my friendship with V, who is just the sweetest and most positive person around. She’s my new restaurant/foodie buddy, which is incredibly exciting. Things really haven’t been right since I broke up with Mi and K over the last few years, and I’ve felt really lonely from not having a close girlfriend to hang out with. Even more exciting, I’m making new friends – Ma, who will be working with me at Adobe (we’re starting around the same time!), and I just met two chicks at a party today, and we’re already making plans to take dance classes together.
My redecoration project is well under way. I’ve got the layout, I’ve sold my bedroom set, and I have scheduled contractors to come in for the labor part. I’m ordering my couch tomorrow, and my bedroom furniture on Monday! Next week, I’ll be focusing on decluttering and getting rid of crap I don’t need – which I have to do, since I’ve just sold my dressers! Its mildly terrifying to actually be getting rid of the old furniture and buying new pieces that are a true investment in maturity, to be honest with you.
Last, but not least, I am starting to finally accept J’s new relationship. We have ventured on a tentative friendship, to try and rebuild trust between us. I don’t think either of us have spoken honestly about how we felt, and what happened, until about 2 weeks ago, and I feel like its a breakthrough. The fact is that we have a lot of rebuilding to do before we can be friends, much less anything else, and this is the first honest attempt to tackle and move on from what happened. Although I still have moments of heartbreak, I think I finally understand what happened – all the different nuances and layers and shades – and I’ve definitely learned from it. Whether its with J, or with someone else, I am really ready to meet someone, and commit to a healthy relationship.
So, things are coming together nicely. As my therapist said, I’ve worked my ass off the last year or so to get to this point, and everything is starting to come to fruition now. I’ve really come full circle since I set out on my journey 6 weeks ago, and I am really looking forward to starting this new phase in my life.
