how does this pain end?
You know, I have done quite a bit to help improve myself and manage my BPD since last September. But I am still not sure I understand how to end this pain?
I feel anxious. I feel fear. I feel fear of rejection and pain, and I feel pain. I want to be the type of person who can open up to others, to be vulnerable. I know that’s the only path to love. But I don’t know how to do it when it is so painful.
I feel frustration easily. I know that blowing up at ppl, and taking things out on innocent parties is a way for me to direct pent-up frustration and anger. Or even if it is the one person who is causing it, that its not productive. But how do I redirect it? How do I tolerate it?
I am not even talking about being heartbroken over J right now – simply the physical sensations that seem to be constantly going through me. I have been shaking for the last week, nauseous, unable to eat. For a long time, I kept waiting for these sensations to end, thinking that when I loved myself, believed myself to be loved, got the BPD managed, that it would lessen. But it doesn’t. And now that I’ve realized that learning to love myself, be compassionate, stop being scared, etc etc is a life-long process, I don’t know if I can tolerate the pain that goes along with it. Its one thing to keep believing that it will stop, and soon. Its another thing to realize that for me, its always a part of me.
I know I have been trying to fill the hole in my heart with one person all of my life, and I know that filling it with friends and family, even if it doesn’t fill the entire gaps, leaves it less difficult. I understand that I have been acting out of fear and pride. But its so HARD to try and tell myself to have patience, to keep practicing, when it is so physically intolerable. Will DBT skills help me tolerate it? Can drugs help me manage it? Could meditation ease it? Will it ever go away?
I have been making big progress, I know. I am luckier than most. I can think through and understand a lot of this, and it is starting to extend to my emotions. I am calmer. But still, why is it so hard? If I was just born with this naturally low frustration threshold, can anything change it? When will the progress start to be enough?
